Kale Chips And Dip

Everyone who knows me knows about my love for all things green and leafy. I've recently discovered that a lot of my girlfriends love kale chips as much as I do! These are a fantastic alternative to your average television snack. 



Ingredients:

1 pound of curly organic kale
3 tbs extra-virgin olive oil
2 cloves garlic, minced
Salt and freshly ground pepper
1 cup of fat-free plain Greek yogurt
1 teaspoon finely grated lemon zest
2 tablespoon squeezed lemon juice

Chips and Dip

Preheat your oven to 375°. Remove the hard stems from the middle of the kale and rip into large pieces. In a bowl, toss the kale with 2 tablespoons of the olive oil and one clove of minced garlic. Spread the kale on baking sheets and roast in the oven for about 15-20 minutes, until crispy. I like to shake the pans a bit half way through the cooking time. Season the kale with salt and pepper and transfer to a large platter.


In a small bowl, whisk the yogurt with the lemon zest and juice and the remaining garlic and 1 tablespoon of oil. Season with salt and pepper.

Dip and Enjoy!

Fuck Cancer || Eat Watercress

I'm hiding from cancer behind this leafy green superfood. I'm completely convinced that if I eat enough of it I'll be healthy forever. That being said, I cram a ton of this stuff into my diet... so much so that I'm surprised I haven't mentioned it to you all before. I even yell at my mother to eat more of it. You don't have to believe me, just Google it! The G never lies...

-Eating watercress daily can significantly reduce DNA damage to blood cells, which is considered to be an important trigger in the development of cancer,

- Research from the University of Southampton has revealed that a plant compound in watercress may have the ability to suppress breast cancer cell development. 

The articles go on forever. I have yet to dig out the actual trials though - the scientist in me is screaming. I refuse to look; afraid I may sit and criticize the work, in turn, swearing off eating cruciferous vegetables all together! I mean, we all know that academic publishing is a bit flawed. Trials often go missing in action: Ten trials may have been done but only two have a positive result. Those two will appear in an academic journal, while the other eight with unfavorable results got lost in a shredder somewhere. But, I digress.. Shit, what were we talking about again? OH RIGHT! Population studies aside - watercress is delicious and if it doesn't ward of cancer I'm pretty sure it wont give it to you. Watercress also contains significant amounts of iron, calcium, iodine, and folic acid, in addition to vitamins A and C. - Look, it's just plain good for you. 

It's pretty peppery when raw (nothing a little citrus can't handle) but cooked it has a much milder flavor.  I put it on sandwiches, in salads, soups - sauté it, boil it, steam it, eat it raw in handfuls with the fridge door open... Most of the time I just throw it in some veggie broth with some tofu for a few minutes and just eat it.

But, check out this super easy soup. You can use potatoes in lieu of the cauliflower but this way is healthier.

Easy Watercress and Cauliflower Soup

Olive Oil
Small chopped onion

2 cloves minced garlic
Head cauliflower cut up
2 cups of low-sodium chicken stock
2 cups of water
1 bunch watercress

2 Laughing Cow Cheese Wedges (optional)
Salt
Freshly ground pepper

In a big pot, saute onion in a little bit of olive oil until soft and translucent add garlic. Add the cut up cauliflower, stock, pinch of salt and pepper, and water. Bring to a boil. Cover and simmer until cauliflower is super soft. Add the cheese wedges if you want and stir it around until it dissolves. (gives it some flavor and makes it a touch creamier) Stir in watercress.
Puree soup in a blender... not all of it at once or it will spray molten veggie mush in your face. If you're a fancy pants and have an immersion blender use that.

Tofu 'Caprese'

So, I'm totally stealing this recipe from world renowned 'BAMF' David Chang. David is chef/owner of the Momofuku restaurant group and fellow bourbon lover - as shown Here. I'm on a crappy diet which doesn't let me have cheese, or anything good at all for that matter. However, I've decided that dieting doesn't have to suck completely and whipped up this salad for lunch today. The recipe calls for 'shiso leaf' which is an Asian culinary herb in the mint family. Luckily, I can find it on occasion at Japanese Market, but if you can't find it in your area you can substitute basil or mint or chive etc. Tofu, soft or firm - whatever you feel like. Today I went with soft. 

Without further ado... My totally unoriginal stolen recipe! 

Cherry Tomato & Tofu Salad

(Makes 2 servings)

2 teaspoons soy sauce

A few drops of toasted sesame oil

A dash of sherry vinegar

1 to 2 tablespoons olive oil

Sea salt

Fresh-ground black pepper

1 teaspoon sesame seeds

1 cup ripe cherry tomatoes, halved

2 slices very fresh tofu or yuba (tofu skin), 1/2-inch thick and about 2 by 4 inches

Shiso leaves

Combine soy sauce, sesame oil, vinegar and olive oil, and season with salt and pepper to taste. Toasted sesame oil is very potent and should be used sparingly. Add dressing and sesame seeds to the cherry tomatoes and mix together. Arrange tofu on a plate and spoon over tomatoes and dressing. Cut fresh shiso leaves into fine ribbons, or tear leaves into pieces, and scatter over tomatoes and tofu, then serve.

From David Chang, as published in “In the Green Kitchen” by Alice Waters

"Set It...And Forget It!"

    Allow me to take a moment to tell you about my favorite thing in my kitchen aside from the slapchop. Ok, completely kidding about the Slapchop! However, the Ronco Showtime Rotisserie is seriously the bee's knees. My sister gave me this for one of my birthdays and its been my favorite ever since. Yes, that's right, I'm talking about the infomercial product that your insomniac ass watches at 4am. Inventor Ron Popeil really did it this time..(The same guy that sprayed his own baldspot on tv with a can of spray hair) 


   Forget the Pajama-Jeans, Snuggie, and ShamWow... The Showtime Rotisserie is the only 'as seen on TV' item you should be buying. The spinning poultry looks as enticing on TV as it does in real life, trust me. You will never buy another pre-made supermarket chicken again!  Not only does it make perfect juicy chickens, it also does bitchin' standing rib roasts, leg of lamb, whole thanksgiving turkey, pork loin, you name it. It comes with a basket for burgers, wings, fish, chicken breasts, veggies etc. It also includes self-turning meat and poultry kabob rods, a Round Rib Basket makes baby back ribs and a veggie steamer that goes on top. 


Just shut up and buy one. It's only 4 easy payments of $39.95!!!!!!!!   Click Here 

IF YOU ACT NOW: you also get flavor injectors... Syringes to shoot-up your meat with liquid marinades or solids.

Directions:

1. Take raw chicken and rub on whatever crap you have in your spice cabinet. 
2. Stab raw chicken with rotisserie spears. 
3. Set little timer on the side to 15 Min Per Lbs.(abt an hr for most standard sized roaster chickens) 
4. Then, let 'er spin! 

Yes, it's that simple... Just SET IT AND FORGET IT! Perfection every single flippin' time! Even the mentally challenged can be culinary geniuses with this bad boy.

Alsatian Meat Pie

     Alsace is located on the eastern border of France adjacent to Germany and Switzerland. This region loves its pork! It is also known for its white wine and produces some of the world's finest riesling and sylvaner wines. The cuisine of this reigon is heavily German due to it's history of Germanic possession. The food of Alsace is unique to this area of France and doesn't much resemble the idea of 'French' food. Did I mention, these people are really into pork? This Tourte à la viande is no exception to the Alsatian way. It's full of pork and wine, it's rustic and German, and definitely doesn't follow the frou-frou French tradition. It's actually a bit medieval..


Ask your butcher to coarsely grind the meat so its a bit chunky. Unless you grind it yourself... Baller.


The crust is Pâte Brisée but you can totally use that Pillsbury stuff and I swear I wont tell anyone!!  It's just a generic butter based pastry dough but the French make everything sound fancy. The key is to keep it cold, finish it quickly, and don't touch it too much because your body heat screws it up.

Pâte Brisée 

2 ½ cups all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 cup cold butter
1/3 cup cold water

Mix the flour and salt together. Then, using a big fork or a food processor, cut the chilled butter into the flour until it looks like coarse sand with a few pea-sized pieces of butter in it. Sprinkle the water evenly over the mixture and toss gently a few times until a ball forms but no longer than that!!! Separate the dough into two balls, flatten slightly into thick disk shapes, wrap in plastic wrap, and chill for 2 hours or so.. You can cheat and cut the time in half by putting it in the freezer. OR.. just use the premade crap.

Ingredients:

2 Dinner Rolls

1 Cup of Milk

1lb of Ground Pork Tenderloin

1lb of Ground Veal Leg

2 Tbs of Butter

2 Diced Onions

1 Potato Peeled and Diced

1 Cup of Sylvaner Wine

1 Tbs Chopped Parsely

1 Tsp of Salt

Fresh Ground Pepper

Pâte Brisée

Tourte à la viande:

Break rolls into pieces and soak in milk for about 10 minutes. Drain the excess mild from the rolls and squeeze them a bit. Then chop them up. Saute the onions in the butter and add the bread potato and meat. Saute for 10 more min. Stir in the wine and parsley, then season with salt and pepper. Chill overnight. After chilling be sure to let the meat mixture drain for a while so all the excess liquid comes out. Otherwise, the pie will become watery and soggy.

Roll out the Brisse on a lightly floured surface into 2 - 9" round pieces. Put the bottom round into a greased pie dish. Fill with meaty goodness and top with the second piece of dough. Brush the edges of the dough with water and press to seal the edges. Cut a round vent hole in the center to allow steam to escape. Brush the entire crust with egg yolk. Bake at 350 for about an hour. Let sit before slicing otherwise it will fall apart and turn into a meaty mess.

Oysters With Black Bean Sauce

     In the summertime, my parents used to take me to Nantasket Beach in Hull, MA to ride a beautiful wooden carousel that was built sometime in the 20's. Afterwards we'd go eat at a restaurant named La Dalat and order big fat oysters with black bean sauce. Eating these brings me back to a time when waving at my parents every single go-round never got boring. These can be steamed or grilled. Bring them to a BBQ and be the highlight of the party!

     Black bean sauce is a salty brown sauce is made from fermented soybeans and a pretty standard Asian condiment. You can make it from scratch if you want, but it is readily available in the ethnic section of any supermarket so why bother. I have found that Lee Kum Kee brand sauces are pretty legit and easy to find. Click Here to see what the jar looks like. In this recipe I also use sweet soy sauce (which I love) Click Here to see what it looks like. If you can't find the sweet soy sauce it can be omitted.

My Tips On Buying Live Oysters:


     In my opinion, oysters should always be purchased from a legit fishmonger at a seafood market. Be sure to only buy shellfish that are tightly closed. Also, double-check your oysters for cracked shells. A cracked shell means an inedible oyster! If you bring home oysters that are open, tap them on the shell and wait for them to close. If your oyster will not react after tapping on the shell, you cannot eat it because it is dead. 


     They used to say that you should only eat oysters in months containing the letter 'R'.  However, Today, with farmed oysters and monitoring for pathogens, you can eat oysters year-round. Generally, oysters spawn in the summer months, May through August. Spawning causes them to become kind of creamy tasting, soft, and less flavorful. This is really only a guideline because oysters spawn depending on the temperature of the water and not the season. But, since we are cooking them in this recipe it doesn't much matter if you ask me. When cooking oysters, I try to choose the biggest ones because they will shrink as they cook. Click Here for a little video about shucking them if you haven't done it before.

Ingredients:

Raw Oysters In Their Shell
1 Tbs of Sesame Oil
2 Tbs Miced Shallot
1 Clove of Garlic, Minced
Small Palm-full of Fresh Ginger Peeled and Sliced Into Matchsticks
2 Heaping Tbs of prepared Black Bean Sauce or Black Bean Garlic Sauce
1 Tsp of Rice Wine
1 Tsp of White Granulated Sugar (I usually use a bit more because I like the sauce sweet)
1 Tsp of Sweet Soy Sauce
1/2 Tsp of Balsamic Vinegar
2 Stalks of sliced green onion




Get Shuckin':


In small saucepan, heat the sesame oil over medium-low heat. Fry the ginger, shallots and garlic until softened and fragrant, 2 to 3 minutes. Stir in black bean sauce, wine, sugar sweet soy and vinegar; simmer for 2 minutes stirring constantly.Mix in the sliced green onion.

Now, there are 2 ways to go about cooking them. Shuck the oysters, and toss the top shell. Be sure to keep as much of the oyster liquor in without spilling it. spoon the sauce into the shell with the oyster and steam them.

Another way to cook them is to barbecue them on the grill; there's no need to shuck them first. Put the unopened oysters directly on the grill, flat shell up. When the shells pop open take off the top shell, spoon in a bit of the prepared sauce, and return them to the grill until the sauce begins to bubble.

Lobstah

Lobstah... My absolute favorite food. I'm talking about REAL lobster. Homarus americanus! Big ugly bastards with wicked big claws swimmin' in wicked cold watah. Those spiny abominations you warm folk call lobsters are not welcomed in my kitchen. All crustaceans were NOT created equal.

A Big Bug

How To Buy:

Lobster should always be purchased ALIVE! Ocean to plate is the best but unfortunately I live in Florida now so I have to buy them out of a supermarket tank. You should be wary of this. Chose the ones that are the fastest in the tank. When picked up, the tail should curl in. Definitely choose ones that have some fight in them. It should be looking you in the eye thinking "you just wait till I get these fuckin' rubber bands off! Your nose is mine! *insert evil lobster laugh*"  I always choose lobsters that are between 1¼ to 1½ lbs. I try to stay under 2lbs because I find the bigger ones are more chewy and they aren't as sweet. They should be cooked as soon as possible. Yes, it's murder. 

How To Murder:


In my opinion, which is fact, lobster is best when steamed/boiled. You're going to need a big pot. A lobster pot or a stock pot is best. An 8qt pot will cook one at a time and a 16qt stock pot will fit 2-3.  Don't jam too many into one pot or they wont cook evenly and you'll have seafood water over-boiling all over your kitchen. Fill the pot with water about half way. You want the lobsters to be submersed but you don't want it to be so full that the water over-boils. Bring the water to a boil, grab your victim on the back of the head (don't worry the claws can't get you from there) and use a pair of kitchen scissors to snip the rubber bands off. It's super important that you aren't a wuss and you snip the bands! If you don't, the water will taste rubbery and GROSS. Then, it's head first to their demise. Smash them down into the pot so they're fully covered. It's ok if they bob around a bit you can just keep poking them down with some tongs every once in a while. Cooking time depends on how big your lobsters are: 1-1 ¼ lb. 12 - 15 minutes. 1 ¼ - 2 lb. 15 - 20 minutes. 2-3 lb. 20 - 25 minutes. The lobster should turn a bright vibrant red when done. Cooked lobster meat is white. If it looks a little transparent you haven't cooked it long enough. 
CRACK! BUTTER. BUTTER. BUTTER. Mmmmmm.


Note: There has always been argument over drawn butter and clarified butter. Salted vs. Unsalted. Everyone shut up, put some butter in a little bowl and microwave for 30 seconds. 

Leftovers:


I always gorge myself on the tails and by the time I get to the claws I'm just too full. Don't despair! Leftover lobster meat is perfect for New England Lobster rolls. A little lemon, a little mayo, a little celery, a little salt and pepper and STOP. The lobster should be the star so don't cover it up with too much junk. Serve on a butter toasted bun. Preferably split on the top but they're hard to find where I live so I have to make do with hotdog buns. I use a leaf of boston lettuce or bib lettuce or butter lettuce or whatever you wanna call it between the bun and the lobster to prevent the toasty bread from getting soggy. 

I'd like to take this opportunity for a product shout out. LEMONAISE! It's actually perfect for lobster rolls and it's just a really good condiment all around.