Lobstah

Lobstah... My absolute favorite food. I'm talking about REAL lobster. Homarus americanus! Big ugly bastards with wicked big claws swimmin' in wicked cold watah. Those spiny abominations you warm folk call lobsters are not welcomed in my kitchen. All crustaceans were NOT created equal.

A Big Bug

How To Buy:

Lobster should always be purchased ALIVE! Ocean to plate is the best but unfortunately I live in Florida now so I have to buy them out of a supermarket tank. You should be wary of this. Chose the ones that are the fastest in the tank. When picked up, the tail should curl in. Definitely choose ones that have some fight in them. It should be looking you in the eye thinking "you just wait till I get these fuckin' rubber bands off! Your nose is mine! *insert evil lobster laugh*"  I always choose lobsters that are between 1¼ to 1½ lbs. I try to stay under 2lbs because I find the bigger ones are more chewy and they aren't as sweet. They should be cooked as soon as possible. Yes, it's murder. 

How To Murder:


In my opinion, which is fact, lobster is best when steamed/boiled. You're going to need a big pot. A lobster pot or a stock pot is best. An 8qt pot will cook one at a time and a 16qt stock pot will fit 2-3.  Don't jam too many into one pot or they wont cook evenly and you'll have seafood water over-boiling all over your kitchen. Fill the pot with water about half way. You want the lobsters to be submersed but you don't want it to be so full that the water over-boils. Bring the water to a boil, grab your victim on the back of the head (don't worry the claws can't get you from there) and use a pair of kitchen scissors to snip the rubber bands off. It's super important that you aren't a wuss and you snip the bands! If you don't, the water will taste rubbery and GROSS. Then, it's head first to their demise. Smash them down into the pot so they're fully covered. It's ok if they bob around a bit you can just keep poking them down with some tongs every once in a while. Cooking time depends on how big your lobsters are: 1-1 ¼ lb. 12 - 15 minutes. 1 ¼ - 2 lb. 15 - 20 minutes. 2-3 lb. 20 - 25 minutes. The lobster should turn a bright vibrant red when done. Cooked lobster meat is white. If it looks a little transparent you haven't cooked it long enough. 
CRACK! BUTTER. BUTTER. BUTTER. Mmmmmm.


Note: There has always been argument over drawn butter and clarified butter. Salted vs. Unsalted. Everyone shut up, put some butter in a little bowl and microwave for 30 seconds. 

Leftovers:


I always gorge myself on the tails and by the time I get to the claws I'm just too full. Don't despair! Leftover lobster meat is perfect for New England Lobster rolls. A little lemon, a little mayo, a little celery, a little salt and pepper and STOP. The lobster should be the star so don't cover it up with too much junk. Serve on a butter toasted bun. Preferably split on the top but they're hard to find where I live so I have to make do with hotdog buns. I use a leaf of boston lettuce or bib lettuce or butter lettuce or whatever you wanna call it between the bun and the lobster to prevent the toasty bread from getting soggy. 

I'd like to take this opportunity for a product shout out. LEMONAISE! It's actually perfect for lobster rolls and it's just a really good condiment all around.