Vegetarian Chili

When I stopped eating meat, I quickly discovered that all meat substitutes were not created equal. A lot of them contain fillers, shit I can't pronounce and massive amounts of sodium making them worse for you than just eating meat itself. Others are made out of wheat gluten -not a fan at all. Then, I discovered Marjon Tofu Crumbles which are made with organic GMO-Free soybeans. Score! This product is cholesterol free, gluten free, vegan, lactose free, low carb, sugar free, pre-cooked, mildly seasoned, low sodium and ready to use. I use it to make chili and honestly cant tell its not ground beef. Check out my super easy chili recipe when I want something really quick, warm and filling but healthy. You basically just dump stuff in a pot and it only takes 30 min to make! Tard-proof.

Ingredients:

Packet of low sodium chili seasoning

1 package of Tofu Crumbles
1 14 1/2 ounce can of fire roasted diced tomatoes, undrained
1 16 ounce can of kidney beans, drained and rinsed
1 8 ounce can of tomato sauce
1 small onion diced
diced green/red pepper
diced celery

minced jalapeño


Saute the onion, pepper, and celery in the bottom of a pot until the onion turns a little translucent. Add the tofu crumbles and saute for about 3-5 min.  Add the rest of the ingredients. Bring to a boil. Turn to low, cover and simmer for 15-20 min stirring occasionally. Top with some green onion, fat free sour cream and fat free shredded cheese. 

Side note: I usually don't add the whole packet of chili seasoning and I add a little cayenne pepper because I like it spicy. I also use organic canned goods...

"Set It...And Forget It!"

    Allow me to take a moment to tell you about my favorite thing in my kitchen aside from the slapchop. Ok, completely kidding about the Slapchop! However, the Ronco Showtime Rotisserie is seriously the bee's knees. My sister gave me this for one of my birthdays and its been my favorite ever since. Yes, that's right, I'm talking about the infomercial product that your insomniac ass watches at 4am. Inventor Ron Popeil really did it this time..(The same guy that sprayed his own baldspot on tv with a can of spray hair) 


   Forget the Pajama-Jeans, Snuggie, and ShamWow... The Showtime Rotisserie is the only 'as seen on TV' item you should be buying. The spinning poultry looks as enticing on TV as it does in real life, trust me. You will never buy another pre-made supermarket chicken again!  Not only does it make perfect juicy chickens, it also does bitchin' standing rib roasts, leg of lamb, whole thanksgiving turkey, pork loin, you name it. It comes with a basket for burgers, wings, fish, chicken breasts, veggies etc. It also includes self-turning meat and poultry kabob rods, a Round Rib Basket makes baby back ribs and a veggie steamer that goes on top. 


Just shut up and buy one. It's only 4 easy payments of $39.95!!!!!!!!   Click Here 

IF YOU ACT NOW: you also get flavor injectors... Syringes to shoot-up your meat with liquid marinades or solids.

Directions:

1. Take raw chicken and rub on whatever crap you have in your spice cabinet. 
2. Stab raw chicken with rotisserie spears. 
3. Set little timer on the side to 15 Min Per Lbs.(abt an hr for most standard sized roaster chickens) 
4. Then, let 'er spin! 

Yes, it's that simple... Just SET IT AND FORGET IT! Perfection every single flippin' time! Even the mentally challenged can be culinary geniuses with this bad boy.

Oysters With Black Bean Sauce

     In the summertime, my parents used to take me to Nantasket Beach in Hull, MA to ride a beautiful wooden carousel that was built sometime in the 20's. Afterwards we'd go eat at a restaurant named La Dalat and order big fat oysters with black bean sauce. Eating these brings me back to a time when waving at my parents every single go-round never got boring. These can be steamed or grilled. Bring them to a BBQ and be the highlight of the party!

     Black bean sauce is a salty brown sauce is made from fermented soybeans and a pretty standard Asian condiment. You can make it from scratch if you want, but it is readily available in the ethnic section of any supermarket so why bother. I have found that Lee Kum Kee brand sauces are pretty legit and easy to find. Click Here to see what the jar looks like. In this recipe I also use sweet soy sauce (which I love) Click Here to see what it looks like. If you can't find the sweet soy sauce it can be omitted.

My Tips On Buying Live Oysters:


     In my opinion, oysters should always be purchased from a legit fishmonger at a seafood market. Be sure to only buy shellfish that are tightly closed. Also, double-check your oysters for cracked shells. A cracked shell means an inedible oyster! If you bring home oysters that are open, tap them on the shell and wait for them to close. If your oyster will not react after tapping on the shell, you cannot eat it because it is dead. 


     They used to say that you should only eat oysters in months containing the letter 'R'.  However, Today, with farmed oysters and monitoring for pathogens, you can eat oysters year-round. Generally, oysters spawn in the summer months, May through August. Spawning causes them to become kind of creamy tasting, soft, and less flavorful. This is really only a guideline because oysters spawn depending on the temperature of the water and not the season. But, since we are cooking them in this recipe it doesn't much matter if you ask me. When cooking oysters, I try to choose the biggest ones because they will shrink as they cook. Click Here for a little video about shucking them if you haven't done it before.

Ingredients:

Raw Oysters In Their Shell
1 Tbs of Sesame Oil
2 Tbs Miced Shallot
1 Clove of Garlic, Minced
Small Palm-full of Fresh Ginger Peeled and Sliced Into Matchsticks
2 Heaping Tbs of prepared Black Bean Sauce or Black Bean Garlic Sauce
1 Tsp of Rice Wine
1 Tsp of White Granulated Sugar (I usually use a bit more because I like the sauce sweet)
1 Tsp of Sweet Soy Sauce
1/2 Tsp of Balsamic Vinegar
2 Stalks of sliced green onion




Get Shuckin':


In small saucepan, heat the sesame oil over medium-low heat. Fry the ginger, shallots and garlic until softened and fragrant, 2 to 3 minutes. Stir in black bean sauce, wine, sugar sweet soy and vinegar; simmer for 2 minutes stirring constantly.Mix in the sliced green onion.

Now, there are 2 ways to go about cooking them. Shuck the oysters, and toss the top shell. Be sure to keep as much of the oyster liquor in without spilling it. spoon the sauce into the shell with the oyster and steam them.

Another way to cook them is to barbecue them on the grill; there's no need to shuck them first. Put the unopened oysters directly on the grill, flat shell up. When the shells pop open take off the top shell, spoon in a bit of the prepared sauce, and return them to the grill until the sauce begins to bubble.

Lobstah

Lobstah... My absolute favorite food. I'm talking about REAL lobster. Homarus americanus! Big ugly bastards with wicked big claws swimmin' in wicked cold watah. Those spiny abominations you warm folk call lobsters are not welcomed in my kitchen. All crustaceans were NOT created equal.

A Big Bug

How To Buy:

Lobster should always be purchased ALIVE! Ocean to plate is the best but unfortunately I live in Florida now so I have to buy them out of a supermarket tank. You should be wary of this. Chose the ones that are the fastest in the tank. When picked up, the tail should curl in. Definitely choose ones that have some fight in them. It should be looking you in the eye thinking "you just wait till I get these fuckin' rubber bands off! Your nose is mine! *insert evil lobster laugh*"  I always choose lobsters that are between 1¼ to 1½ lbs. I try to stay under 2lbs because I find the bigger ones are more chewy and they aren't as sweet. They should be cooked as soon as possible. Yes, it's murder. 

How To Murder:


In my opinion, which is fact, lobster is best when steamed/boiled. You're going to need a big pot. A lobster pot or a stock pot is best. An 8qt pot will cook one at a time and a 16qt stock pot will fit 2-3.  Don't jam too many into one pot or they wont cook evenly and you'll have seafood water over-boiling all over your kitchen. Fill the pot with water about half way. You want the lobsters to be submersed but you don't want it to be so full that the water over-boils. Bring the water to a boil, grab your victim on the back of the head (don't worry the claws can't get you from there) and use a pair of kitchen scissors to snip the rubber bands off. It's super important that you aren't a wuss and you snip the bands! If you don't, the water will taste rubbery and GROSS. Then, it's head first to their demise. Smash them down into the pot so they're fully covered. It's ok if they bob around a bit you can just keep poking them down with some tongs every once in a while. Cooking time depends on how big your lobsters are: 1-1 ¼ lb. 12 - 15 minutes. 1 ¼ - 2 lb. 15 - 20 minutes. 2-3 lb. 20 - 25 minutes. The lobster should turn a bright vibrant red when done. Cooked lobster meat is white. If it looks a little transparent you haven't cooked it long enough. 
CRACK! BUTTER. BUTTER. BUTTER. Mmmmmm.


Note: There has always been argument over drawn butter and clarified butter. Salted vs. Unsalted. Everyone shut up, put some butter in a little bowl and microwave for 30 seconds. 

Leftovers:


I always gorge myself on the tails and by the time I get to the claws I'm just too full. Don't despair! Leftover lobster meat is perfect for New England Lobster rolls. A little lemon, a little mayo, a little celery, a little salt and pepper and STOP. The lobster should be the star so don't cover it up with too much junk. Serve on a butter toasted bun. Preferably split on the top but they're hard to find where I live so I have to make do with hotdog buns. I use a leaf of boston lettuce or bib lettuce or butter lettuce or whatever you wanna call it between the bun and the lobster to prevent the toasty bread from getting soggy. 

I'd like to take this opportunity for a product shout out. LEMONAISE! It's actually perfect for lobster rolls and it's just a really good condiment all around.

My Cure For Homesickness

       While in most cases I believe anyone caught mixing anything into Pappy Van Winkle's bourbon of perfection should be shot dead twice, I may have discovered a rare exception. Being a New Englander, the taste of real maple syrup straight from a tree, leaves me with quite a nostalgic feeling. Speaking of homesickness, I will always remember begging for the maraschino cherry at the bottom of my mom's occasional whiskey sour. So lets just mix it all together and send me back in time.

Maple-Bourbon Sour

Combine 3 ounces of bourbon, 2 tablespoons of REAL maple syrup, and 2 tablespoons of freshly squeezed lemon juice. Shake it harder than a noisy baby. Garnish with a fat maraschino cherry and don't share.